Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids

Asking What do you think? is one way to give your kids more of a sense that they have influence in the family. But sometimes “I don’t know” is all you get in response.

One very powerful way to encourage a more thoughtful reply is to start the conversation with a set up. Here are some examples:

“I would like your input on something. Do you have a moment?”

“I would appreciate your feedback on something.”  

“Do you have time to discuss something?”

Then pause until they indicate they are willing. If they say, “Not right now,” honor that and ask them to let you know when they do have a moment.

Setting up a conversation ensures a better result in the conversation. In a way, the set up is what you say before you say what you want to say. It engages the other person’s attention before you ask the question and changes how a question is heard.

Of course, you don’t want to ask for someone’s thinking unless you are authentically going to consider it.

“When you ask others for their ideas, thoughts, and opinions in a sincere way, it honors not only who they are, but their ideas as well.” —from Chapter 9 of Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids

One of my favorite contributors to the book is Ronald Heifetz, who changed his work schedule so he could pick up his children after school. “I run to my car. I drive like a madman. I get to their school…. And then out come the stories, stories I never used to hear at dinnertime, because I’ve discovered for myself that generally they only tell it once, and they tell it to whoever is there.”

His story reminds me that, in the midst of our busy lives, we need to be intentional about making time for our kids. But there is something else beyond just being there. We need to ask fewer questions and just listen, waiting to see where they take the conversation on their own, without any direction from us.

Artur Schnabel, an Austrian composer and pianist, once said, “But the spaces between the notes—ah, that is where the art resides!” Asking follow-up questions tends to keep the conversation in the same place. On the other hand, if you just listen with interest and attention, when your child finishes one thought, he or she is likely to pause, look again, and find something else to say.

And they just may go someplace you wouldn’t have expected them to go!

Something to think about…

Who could use a good listening to?

Where do you need a bit more patience, less talking, and less interrupting?
—from page 76 of Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids