Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids

This came to me from Jill, a participant in a recent workshop: 

“I was going to down the road of parenting by force and manipulation and was wondering why my four-year-old wasn’t being very responsive. I just figured resistance was normal.

“For example, John would lie to me. After paying attention to my reactions when he did things that frustrated me, I realized he was lying because he didn’t feel safe with me. Now he and I have pledged not to yell at each other anymore (we have a yelling household… I can hear my mother in my voice when I yell).

“I’ve been working on being calmer with him as well as prompting him to talk by saying, ‘You won’t get in trouble… just tell me the truth.’ And it seems to be working. On several occasions he has actually come to me and said, ‘Mom, I’ve got to tell you the truth about something….’ Don’t get me wrong – he isn’t always an angel, but I think we are on the road to improving our communication.”

If you notice that you are dominating your kids, you can choose to do something different. You don’t need a perfect answer about what to do. You’ll figure it out as you start to be more thoughtful about how you interact with your kids.

Jill’s story reminds me of a favorite quote about using force from the HBO series, The Wire, which I’ll paraphrase: “If you don’t make it safe, they won’t talk to you. And then you are only left with force. And in the long run, using force just doesn’t work.”

In the process of writing the book, I spoke with several parents who’d participated in my training programs, and they shared wonderful stories of how they took the ideas from the classes to try at home with their kids. I’d like to share those stories in this blog, invite you to share your stories, and begin a conversation about how changing what we say to our kids can change our relationships in powerful ways.

The first story is from Alice, who contributed a piece on trust that is included in the book.

Listening is the first move…

“By the time my daughter Abi was thirteen, my relationship with her had deteriorated to the point where she was essentially not speaking to me. I had a job that allowed me to be at home when she was, but she would come in the house after school and slam the door to her room, barely saying hello. She’d come out for dinner, which she would eat quickly before disappearing into her room again. I had no idea what to do about this but was pretty desperate to salvage the relationship.

“I attended the first day of Paul Axtell’s Conversational Skills program, and our homework was two-fold. First, go home and listen. Just listen. Don’t ask questions except, ‘What else?’ Or, ‘Tell me more.’ Second, write five acknowledgment notes to other participants in the workshop. So I did those things, and the effect was profound. I realized I had been doing most of the talking at home and very little listening. I realized Abi never got a chance to say anything, and when she did, she could answer with one word. I was asking stupid questions. After that one evening, plus another day in the workshop, I quite simply resolved to be different at home. I stopped giving advice, stopped asking ‘How was school,’ and began to listen. Just by being different myself, Abi became different. It didn’t happen overnight for her, and I backslid frequently, but when I did, I noticed, and our relationship changed into something quite different for both of us.”