Ever get caught off guard by something your child says or does and then realize they learned it from you?

Our kids and grandkids are watching us all the time. They are learning from us how to be in relationships, and they are learning about how to act out in the world.

Kent Nerburn, in Letters to My Son, said that you need two things for a relationship to endure. You need the ability to laugh together, and you need to respect how the other person deals with the rest of the world.

Dave Barry said the same thing very simply: “A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.”

What do you want your kids to learn about interacting with the world?

Here are some important ideas to consider:

- Treating people respectfully regardless of their position or relationship. (Are you nice to the waiter?)

- Being ethical (Are your standards high and consistent?)

- Being loyal to those not present (Do you gossip?)

- Choosing to engage in conversations that add value (Are they negative or not worth having?)

- Choosing language that expresses respect (Are you civil, courteous?)

- Keeping the confidences of others (Are you indiscreet or do you share what others would want you to keep to yourself?)

- Being open and responsive (Do you share things that allow people to know you?)

- Being aware of others and their experiences (Do you notice people who are being or feeling left out?)

- Using simple courtesies (Do you say please, thank you?)

- Respecting other people’s time (Do you ask if this is a good time to talk or avoid making unnecessary requests?)

- Giving your word and keeping it (Do you follow through on promises made?)

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Do you ever notice that you are better with people at work than you are with your family? At work we are usually more thoughtful and careful.  At home we just say things without thinking much about how we say them or the impact they might have. 

Two things might help:

1. Simply reminding ourselves of who we want to be at home for our family will alter who we are. So, pick a visual reminder, like the front door, and then be the father or mother that you want to be when you walk through it.

2. Think of this phrase with your kids in mind: Everyone is a little bit scared and a whole lot proud.

One of my mentors used this phrase repeatedly as he worked to create a culture that was civil and supportive. It was his way of saying, be careful and take care of people when you interact with them. It’s not that people need taking care of. It just works better when we have that as a context or framework for our conversations and relationships.

It still makes sense.


Paul

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
— Maya Angelou

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Good question. And a frequent question from parents.

 First of all, I’m not sure. Second, I do have some things you might try. Third, never, ever give up trying. This is one place where settling for less than what you want isn’t an attractive option.

Here are some things to consider, not in any order of preference or sequence:

• Let them know that you would love to have a good conversation with them a couple of times each week to catch up on how life is going for them. If they don’t know what you want, it’s not right to expect them to do it.

• Stop prying or asking so many questions that they feel like you are prying.

• Never, ever repeat what they tell you to any one else without asking for permission. Also, don’t pass on what other people tell you because it signals you might do the same with what they share.

• Listen for the times when they ask you about something, perhaps about your day or work. When this happens, thank them for asking and then tell them about your day for 2 or 3 minutes.

• Whenever they do speak, listen attentively and give them enough feedback so they feel heard. If this means stopping what you are doing and just listening to them, do that.

• If you have a good conversation with them one night, the next day let them know that you appreciated the conversation.

• Spend time doing things with them that they enjoy: watching tv, playing video games, shopping, shooting hoops. Don’t say much and wait for them to start talking.

• When they talk, do not interrupt, ask questions, or change the conversation to your interests.

• Ask “what do you think?” rather than give advice, unless specifically asked for your opinion.

Now I’ll turn it to you. What has worked for you when trying to get your young adult talking? I’d love to hear your suggestions in the comments below.

Thanks for reading.

Paul

“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” ~Harry S. Truman

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Recently a young neighborhood girl walked into our yard and announced proudly and loudly, “I’m eight!” It was clear that eight was a significant milestone for her. It reminded me of a young boy in a fast food restaurant. He and his father were in line next to us, and when the father asked if his son wanted a happy meal, his son replied, “No, I’m too old for a happy meal.

As you interact with your children and grandchildren, remember to look not only at who they have been so far in life, but also at who they might be.

In other words, honor the past but don’t be limited by it.

At some point, children start thinking they are grown up, and they want us to treat them as if they were. With this new way of thinking about themselves, it’s wonderful if they notice that we interact with them in new, more grown-up ways as well.

Here are some ideas for interacting differently with your children as they are growing up—remembering that you know your children and I don’t.

• Asking them what they think and then listening and truly considering their replies
•  Sharing with them more about your ideas, passions, and worries
• Expecting more of them in terms of contributing to the family and household
• Expecting them to be responsible for things without close supervision, such as getting their homework done

So, even if your daughter is eight, you might try speaking and listening to her as though she were fourteen! 

Paul

“If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain as he is. If you treat an individual as he could be, he will become the person he could be.”  — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German writer

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When my daughter, Amy, was about 12, she came to me with this observation: “Dad, you probably know this already, but I just counted, and the last twelve times we’ve talked, it has been about homework.” Then she smiled and said, “And Dad, that’s not much of a relationship, is it?” I agreed and promised to trust her about doing her homework. 

Over the years, when I looked at my relationships, I found that my mother and I were mostly talking about the weather; my son, Jesse, and I were mostly talking about sports; and Amy and I were having great conversations but too infrequently. Simply reflecting and finding the patterns made it clear what I needed to change.

If you want to enhance your relationships with your kids, the easiest way is to improve the conversations you have with them. Try this: Reflect back on the last week or two and see if you can identify the pattern of conversation in each of your relationships. Think about both the content of the conversations and the quality of those conversations. Are you talking about the things that matter? Do the conversations contain candor, safety, and respect?

Here is a simple audit that might bring insight to where you could focus your attention to enhance your relationship. It’s not meant to assess or judge. It’s simply about noticing what is present or what is missing.

• Do we talk often enough?
• Are our conversations positive and future-oriented? 
• Are we having fun? Do we laugh together?
• Are caring and kindness present?
• Do I listen in a non-judgmental way?
• Am I willing to just listen when they need to talk?
• Am I clearly on their side? Do they know it?
• Am I interested in what matters to them?
• Can they make mistakes with me?
• Can we talk about problems, theirs and mine?

One way to work with this audit is to assign a number scale from 1 to 10 for each question, with 1 meaning there is lots of work to be done and 10 meaning you are in great shape. Tell the truth, but don’t feel bad about how you score yourself! Noticing is the first step. Then, if you are feeling brave, ask your kids to rate each of these questions with regard to your relationship.

I’m convinced that as you reflect on these questions, you’ll have insights and see opportunities to make changes.

Thanks for reading. I’d love to hear what insights you gain from this process. Email me at paulaxtell@mac.com. 

Paul

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tenpowerfulthingstosay.com

When Jesse and Amy were in junior high, I had the privilege of doing a parenting workshop with psychologist Cathy Pinter.  Cathy had determined in her work with teenagers that kids need five things to be resilient in the world: They need to know they are loved, they have choices, they have influence in the family, they add value to the family, and they are included in family conversations.

“The question that makes all this happen is, What do you think? When you ask others for their ideas, thoughts, and opinions in a sincere way, it honors not only who they are, but their ideas as well. The time to get this into the set of questions that make up your family conversational practices is early, when children are small and willing to express themselves. Make this practice part of the fabric of your interactions, and it will be there during the teen years when it is even more critical.” (from page 113-114) 

Still, it’s never too late to notice what’s happening in your family conversations and make different choices. To illustrate, I’d like to share a note from one of our readers:

My main insight when I reflected on how I listen is I realized I wasn’t present even when I was in the room… I found that I do an above-average job at work with my employees — if I am one-on-one with them, I listen to them with no distractions — but at home… I was terrible! 

I have a ten-year-old, and I think she has benefited most from what I’ve learned from you. When she comes into the room and wants to tell me about her day, I shut off the TV, I put down the laptop, and I focus only on her. What a difference! Now that she knows she has my attention, she tells me more than ever!  

I also have thirteen- and sixteen-year-old boys. Again, I noticed what I was doing. I tell them what to do and then yell at them when they mess up! I have changed my conversations with both of them. 

I also no longer try to have the answer when they tell me things. I have started to ask questions to get them to tell me what they think should be done. This has been especially noticeable with my sixteen-year-old. He is starting to decide what college he wants to attend and what classes he needs for high school. Before my approach was to tell him what he needed to do. Two weeks ago he needed to fill out his two-year plan for classes to finish HS. When he mentioned it, I started asking what he sees himself doing, what he likes in his classes now, etc. We had the first real conversation ever—and you are right: if we don’t help them learn to make decisions now, how do we expect them to know how when we aren’t there?

I am far from mastering all the techniques, but the little changes so far have made such a difference.

If we can remember that listening is usually the best first move in a conversation, most relationships will benefit. Also, broad questions that encourage conversation—such as “what do you think?”—are far better than questions that can be answered with yes or no or fine. It’s almost as if the question says, “Let’s talk.”

I also recommend that the day after having a conversation that you loved with your kids, say something to them like: “I really appreciated and enjoyed our conversation yesterday, thank you.” Don’t press them about the shorter conversations, but do acknowledge the longer ones.  

I’d love to hear about your experience. What have you tried to start great conversations with your kids? Leave a comment below this post sharing your results. What worked? What didn’t? What will you do differently next time?

Thanks for reading,

Paul

tenpowerfulthingstosay.com

“I never learn anything talking. I only learn things when I ask questions.” —Lou Holtz, American football coach

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I’m always moved when I stop, get down on the floor with a child, and then just wait. It’s like the child is a conversation just waiting to happen. All I need to do is crystallize the moment by providing the gift of full attention.

I’ve also trained myself to listen differently when someone asks question of me. Think of a question not simply as something to be answered, but as an opening for conversation.

Sure, sometimes our kids are looking for a simple answer. But often they are looking for an opportunity to talk.

All children have questions, and every question matters to them—or they wouldn’t ask. If we can respond in a thoughtful, attentive way when they are small, we lay the groundwork for the tougher problems and questions that will come later in life.

If you sense they want to talk, respond in a way that encourages them to talk versus quickly answering the question so the conversation ends. You might say something like “Tell me what you’re thinking” or “Say some more about that…” This opens the door not only to getting more clarity about the question, but also to deepening the conversation.

Listening, in my mind, is the most important interpersonal skill, and we’ve lost touch with it in the busy and distracting pace of everyday life.   

Here are some important points to remember about listening…

• Paying attention to someone’s speaking is a gift.
• All of us have a natural ability to listen in a profound way.
• The world of distraction is working against us.
• We have layers of thought in our minds, and attention and listening and open-ended questions are the access to those deeper layers.
• We can more likely make a difference with how we listen than with what we say.
• The level of listening determines the level and quality of the speaking.
• If we listen, people will feel supported, thoughts will be clarified, people will open up, ideas will emerge, upset will disappear, creativity will emerge, and self-esteem will soar.

“Nothing hurts more than the sense that people close to us aren’t really listening to what we have to say. We never outgrow the need to communicate what it feels like to live in our separate, private worlds of experience. An attentive ear is such a powerful force in human relationships. That’s…why the failure to be heard and understood is so painful.”   —Michael Nichols, author of The Lost Art of Listening 

To go a little deeper into the subject of encouraging your kids to talk, download the Brenda Ueland article, “Tell Me More” from our website. It’s our gift to you!

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When Amy was small, she frequently lied to me, which was upsetting and left me bewildered. Then, after spending a weekend with our family, a friend commented as she was leaving, “Paul, I think Amy is scared of you.” Wow. That thought had never crossed my mind, but upon reflection, I could understand it.

So, I did a number of things:

• I told Amy she would never get in trouble if she told me the truth. 
• I stopped reprimanding her when I was upset and waited until my tone of voice could be supportive.
• I found ways to spend three to four more hours a week with her just being together.

Interestingly, the lying disappeared. Amy was simply reacting to a Dad who was scary at times. Stop being scary, the lying disappears.

Linguistics scholar Deborah Tannen says that you are either creating relationship or controlling someone with how you are in a conversation. Now, I agree that this is a simplistic, either/or, way of looking at conversations. Yet sometimes the simple ideas are the most profound.

Here are some other quick ways of assessing your conversations:

• you are either easy to speak with or in some way threatening. 
• you are either creating possibility or eliminating possibility. 
• you are either providing room for your children to push back on your conversation or leaving no room or safety for them to do so. 
• you are either indicating to your kids that you are interested in their views or you are not.
• your kids either look forward to speaking with you or they don’t.

Think back on this week’s conversations with your kids. What were you creating with what you said? How did your words or tone affect how your child might respond?

Remember—you matter to your kids, and therefore what you say has an impact on them. If you remember this, you’ll be more aware of what you say and how you say it.

One last thought: Maybe it’s all reaction—and if we change how we approach our kids, they will react to us in a different way. 

Thanks for reading. I hope these periodic blogs are keeping the ideas in the book alive for you. 

Paul

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Cindy and I are fans the television series NCIS. We’ve taken note of what are called “Gibbs’ Rules,” laid down by the show’s lead character, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, for being an agent and dealing with life. (See http://www.gibbsrules.com.) Among Gibbs’ Rules, my favorite is Number 8: “Don’t take anything for granted!”

Number 8 came to mind when I returned recently from business travel to South America. It was then I noticed how wonderful our interstate highway system is! And it’s the same system I previously had whined about being too crowded and in need of repair. Instead, I now see it as not very crowded, in great shape, with drivers who, for the most part, follow the rules!

I had become too familiar with something—too accustomed to its being there. I had begun to take it for granted. 

As the English writer Aldous Huxley wrote, “Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.”

Clearly, we don’t want to take our kids for granted because when we do, we are not:

• giving them our full attention
• remembering to engage them in thoughtful conversation
• letting them know what we appreciate about them
• interacting with them in a wonderful way

For you and me, the beauty of noticing we are taking someone or something for granted is—in that moment—we no longer are! Then we can begin to interact with that person or circumstance in a way that’s consistent with how we want to be in the world. We can treat each person, each conversation, and each moment as though they matter.

Once you’re keyed into noticing, you’ll be able to catch yourself more often, and eventually you’ll be interacting with your kids and with everyday life in a more effective way.

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Learn to communicate so your players feel more capable, valuable, and loved. You must see capability when there is no evidence…see value when evidence is to the contrary…and see what’s loveable even when it’s hard to find.  —Tim Gallwey (paraphrased)

It is easy to come up with things that we like about our kids. And every once in a while, it’s useful and fun to push the boundaries of our awareness by stretching to come up with more than just a few.

I love going for 19 when I think about things for which I might acknowledge Cindy, our kids, and the grandkids. Something magical seems to occur for me around 12 or 13, when I need to dig deeper, reflect further, and find new words to express what I like about someone I love.

Here are some examples:

I love…

• the way you look out for your sisters
• your willingness to express yourself when asked
• the way you think
• that you notice friends who might be feeling left out

If you play with this idea, two things will happen. First, you will begin to notice more things about each of your children that you appreciate. Second, you will remain in touch with how great they are, which helps keep any problems you have with them in perspective.

And here’s another reason: If you give them your list, they will be able to reread it whenever they are in need of a hug!

On our website you’ll find several designs for cards that you can download for free and use to give your kids a perpetual hug.  

http://tenpowerfulthingstosay.com/19Things.html

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”  –e. e. cummings

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The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind.

—William James, American philosopher and psychologist

Among life’s certainties is this: You will be confronted regularly with situations that do not meet your expectations. Many of these will involve your kids. This is when you want to be at your best.  

Often we react in ways that we later regret. There’s a good chance your instinctive response to a difficult or disappointing situation comes from something you picked up in your own childhood. For example, when a parent yells at a child, you can bet that parent was yelled at as a kid.

The key is to acknowledge your typical reaction and choose a different attitude or way of responding.

• When your kids act out, you may choose to be calm and calming.
• When your son or daughter is disrespectful, you may choose to take your time and respond when you are ready.
• You may choose to be understanding.
• You may choose to be easy to talk to. 
• You may even choose to be happy!

I once read that, in the midst of a troubled childhood, young Drew Barrymore noticed a sign on the fridge in her foster family’s home: “Happiness is a choice.” As an adult, she remembered how profoundly that idea affected her. 

Life will keep serving up problems and situations you’d prefer not to face. Count on it. 

But rather than simply reacting the way you’ve always reacted—anger, avoidance, bitterness, frustration, disappointment, giving up—you can CHOOSE a way of being that is consistent with who you want to be for others—and for yourself. Most people—especially our children—like us and feel safer around us when we are happy. What if we chose each day to be happy?

So, when your kids act up, or when the report card isn’t perfect, or when they don’t perform in their recital up to your expectations, who are you going to be?

I vote for being a happy parent.

Paul

P.S. Try this: When someone asks “How are you?” reply, “I’m happy.” It will be a reminder of your choice and perhaps add value to their day!

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(Source: tenpowerfulthingstosay.com)

Zoe, our six-year-old granddaughter, visited over the holidays. We play lots of games with our kids and grandkids, and as the youngest, Zoe wants to be included in everything.  

On this visit, she surprised me when, after losing a game, she wasn’t the least bit disappointed. She simply said, “Let’s play again. Practice makes perfect!” 

I love this because it tells me that she has an understanding that learning requires repetition and that not getting it right at first is okay.

I’m not sure where she heard “practice makes perfect,” and I’m not concerned about whether it’s the best phrase. The point is that it works for her both as a reminder to keep trying. It also helps her get over her disappointment and move on. What an amazing attitude!

If you raise your kids to make the connections between practice and failing and learning, you set them up powerfully for a lifetime.

Small children do this naturally. They are curious and love to learn.Early on, they love repetition and are not discouraged by failing. Later, as they become aware of right/wrong, winning/losing, succeeding/failing, they can get frustrated by not getting it right or by losing.   

Here are some phrases to help create the understanding that learning anything requires practice:

• Just keep trying—you’ll get it!
• Nothing is easy in the beginning.
• I love how you keep trying!
• It isn’t failing if you learned something.
• Babe Ruth struck out lots of times.

My grandson, Collin, lost his high school wrestling match in Maryland last night.  I sent him this text, a quote from basketball legend Michael Jordan:

“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

For myself, I keep this quote from Fred Astaire in front of me: “It took me 15 years to make it look easy.”

The easiest path to empowerment is to choose an attitude that is powerful in the face of everything life brings. And one of the most important places to have a great attitude is with failing. Give your kids a framework they can work with their entire lives! 

Thanks for reading, 

Paul

P.S. Zoe and Collin have approved this blog!

Here are a few other quotes about failure you might enjoy.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. —Winston Churchill

I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying. —Michael Jordan

Failure is success if we learn from it. —Malcolm Forbes

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. —Henry Ford

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Giving advice or feedback is something we do frequently with our kids. It’s part of the process of parenting. We do it frequently when kids are young because there is so much for them to learn. Young children want to learn and are looking for help. If we do hurt their feelings, they bounce back quickly.

On the other hand, as kids get older, giving feedback gets a bit tougher. They tend to take things more personally, and sometimes they wonder if they can ever please us or get anything right.

So, what to do? We certainly don’t want to stop doing everything we can to teach them how to be in life and to be successful. Here is one very powerful option that allows you to continue to contribute to your children and reduce the conflict in doing so: Ask for permission and give them the freedom to just hear it.

A colleague shared this story with me:

When we started to visit colleges with our 17-year-old daughter, Emily, it occurred to me that she would be out on her own in the world in one short year…and I’m not done teaching her about life yet!

Academically she is ready to go, but I am concerned about the way she deals with some everyday things in life. For example, she does not handle stress well, and she gets upset easily by small things that go wrong. So, I told her that I was concerned with the way she handles life sometimes. I asked her if I could just point out examples of her behavior about which I was concerned as they occurred. (I also promised that I wouldn’t do so in front of others.) We wouldn’t discuss it at the time, but I would just let her know this is an example of where I see she could have difficulty when she is on her own in college. She agreed to this. 

I have pointed out a few examples since our discussion, and we had not talked about them further, but I recently got a card from her that said, “Thanks, Mom, for straightening me out. Keep it up. I really appreciate your help. I love you. Emily”  

Now, the idea of asking for permission to give someone feedback isn’t limited to just teens. It’s a caring, gracious approach that makes it easier for someone else to listen to what we have to say.

Thanks for considering this,

Paul

Today would usually see a new blog post. Like other parents around the globe, we are grieving for the families in Connecticut and thought it best to remain silent.

Hug your kids,

Paul 

One of the key tenets in the book is that what you say to or in the presence of your kids makes a difference.

For me, I remember lots of things my mother said. One thing she said was not to me, but in front of me: “Just give him a little time, he’s shy.” My mother was wonderful, supportive, and protective. She made this comment with good intentions but harmful effect. 

Another thing I recall was when I began my first math homework on fractions and decimals: “Paul, I can’t help you any more,” she said. “You are working on things I simply don’t know. But I expect you do to all the work, and do it well.” Being responsible for my own results has never let me down.

Recently, I asked a class to go home and ask their kids what they heard most from their parents. The next morning, one mother was eager to share her story.

“I asked my eight-year-old daughter what I said most often. Her first answer was, ‘You tell me that you love me.’ Her second answer came with a big smile: ‘Keep your face over your plate!’ My daughter is very animated and playful. And I guess I don’t need to tell her that anymore.”

What do you remember your parents saying that had an impact on you?

What will your kids tell you that you say all the time? I’d be interested to hear what you discover!

Feel free to comment below or email me directly at paulaxtell@mac.com.

Thank you for reading,

Paul

“Your relationships are shaped by the pattern of your conversations. If I were to ask your teenagers to identify what they can expect to hear from you every week, they could tell me. And that pattern of conversations would most likely define their sense of their relationship with you.”  —from page 15 of Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids